My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
