I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
