you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
