i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Randomize
