nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
