you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
