I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
