Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
