I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
