people are starting to question the shark bite story
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
