If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
