So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
