and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
