Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
