I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
