i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
