I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
