I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
