I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
