I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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