Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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