He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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