You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
