I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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