im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
