i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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