i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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