Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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