you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
