I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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