my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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