do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
