dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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