let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
And then he peed in my hair
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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