youre lurking in front of me
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
