I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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