Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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