I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
