My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
