Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
