my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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