There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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