you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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