she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
