I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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