The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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