I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
