Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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