everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
