Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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