How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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